Respiratory Infections, Self-Induced Water Torture Kits for Personal Use, and Coming Attractions
Though an upper respiratory infection knocked me on my butt, essays still are marinating in the brain. Here's a peek at both.
WARNING: The first few paragraphs and accompanying video are kind of gross. Plow your way through. It gets better thereafter.
Yes, the doctor told me that my wheezing and shortness of breath were an upper respiratory infection. No, I didn’t have a fever and no, it wasn’t Covid. Take Vitamin C to help with recovery and maintain overall continued good health. Use Tylenol as needed for aches and pains. Squirt two shots of Flonase up each nostril once a day. If things don’t improve in a couple of days, here’s a prescription for amoxicillin.
Oh, and remember that the nose is a repository for toxins, molds, and other microbes. Take proactive measures to avoid future respiratory infections. How? Just use a SinuGator twice a day, every day to flush things out, even after I’m back to feeling normal.
Great. Have you ever seen a SinuGator in action? It’s sort of like snorting milk through your nose when you get caught in an unexpected laugh—only reverse course and a whole lot less fun. It’s more like a personal water torture kit that turns your bathroom sink into a mini hellscape. If you’ve never imbibed, here’s a visual on proper SinuGator etiquette.
There are a few errors in this video. For one, the woman is overdressed. You don’t need your finest casual wear when using a SinuGator. Nor full makeup, if that’s part of your daily look. Also, she’s appears to be in good cheer with anticipation over what’s to come next.
Trust me, anticipatory joy is not de rigueur when SinuGatoring. It’s more like “oh crap, I have to do this again? Time to bend over that sink, do the deed, and get it over with.”
I do feel bad for the woman in this video. I imagine that she went to college to study acting, perhaps treading her university boards as Ophelia in Hamlet or Nora in A Doll’s House. From there, she dreams of glory as a member of the EGOT club; or at worst the role of Eliza in a touring company of Hamilton.
But competition in the real world of theater/film/television is cut throat. For every Meryl Streep, for every Katherine Hepburn, for every Sarah Bernhardt, there are hundreds of thousands more who just never made it to the big time. (And obviously the same goes for male actors.) Ms. SinuGator’s claim to fame is getting paid a whole lot less than Hollywood bucks for a near-impossible acting job: feigning happiness as she flushes water through her nose for a YouTube audience of 247,000 viewers (and counting).
Fame is an elusive beast.
Enough of the gross stuff. Here’s what you’ll be seeing from The Typewriter’s Collage in the next few weeks:
The far-reaching impact of a 2,232 page, 315,000+ entry dictionary, a gift from my mother many years ago.
My mother’s lasting legacy, holding its graceful spot on my editing table. Chico Marx—and not Groucho—was the keystone that made The Marx Brothers The Marx Brothers, both on-screen and off.
An old television warhorse shouldn’t just be shot and consigned to a metaphorical glue factory: perhaps it should have been strangled in the stall while still a colt.
Could it be that SNL was never as funny as we remembered, from its 1975 debut to the precipice of its 50th anniversary? And—of course—more breaking news of the early 20th century, brought to you by The Typewriter’s Collage Time Machine.
Plus so much more.
Surely such content is worth something to you. New posts are free to all readers, but please consider a subscription at whatever level you think proper. It goes a long way to keeping The Typewriter’s Collage hurtling forward, while building my coffee reserves, the only true preventative for upper respiratory infections. (Good scotch is another great deterrent, but I have a fully-stocked supply that will keep me pickled long after my demise from whatever it is that will cause me to drop dead.)
Thanks for reading The Typewriter's Collage. Connect with me at Twitter/X, Bluesky, Threads, and Instagram at the handle @RealArnieB. I’m on LinkedIn and Facebook under my real name. While you’re at it, be sure to take a peek at my website, www.arniebernstein.com.
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You’ve made it this far? Here’s your reward: Terry Thomas tells a joke about a budgie.