The Leg and I
A pinched sciatica nerve has slowed down my body but not my razor-sharp talent for spouting instantaneous movie references.
About 10 days ago, while lifting something heavy into the trunk of my car, I felt an odd twinge in my back. Within half an hour, a searing pain was careening up and down my right leg. I spent the weekend curled up in a not-so-easy chair, screaming with agony. On Monday I went to the chiropractor for some relief, then to the urgent care clinic where I was given a cocktail of steroids and something they called “Ibuprofen plus.” The former was in a blister pack with a week’s worth of daily doses. The latter came immediately in the form of two injections, one in each cheek of my sit-upon.
A pinched sciatica can really change your world. Things I once took for granted are now major victories. Last night it took me half an hour to get the trash and recyclables from my house into the alley, toss the bags into refuse bins, and then get back to the house. Ruthless spasms gob smacked me from thigh to knee to shin with every step.
I was exhausted. It felt like I’d dogged my way through a half marathon. Collapsing into my favorite rocking chair was just as good as any victory medal I’ve ever earned for crossing a race finish line.
I have two choices in plunging forward with this essay
Compose something profound on the philosophical lessons learned whilst at the mercy of my body. You know. Flowery crapola that creeps up to the very edge of “don’t feel sorry for me—and look how abstruse I am with my insightful sagacity—and yes, look up abstruse and sagacity yourself. That’s how profound I am.”
The Arnie Obvious. I’ve got one of those minds that automatically defers to movie lines, no matter how obscure they might be and no matter what the occasion. If you want something on Thursday, I’ll respond “Thoisday, Thoisday.” (For the reference, check out Mel Brooks’ The Producers at the six minute mark.) Another in heavy rotation is that killer line by Inspector Renault (Claude Raines) in Casablanca “I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here.” He then collects his winnings from the roulette table. The line works as the perfect cynical observation for just about any situation where hypocrisy reigns supreme.
The flowery crapola route is an easy “no” for me. I’m not that shallow (really, you ask? Yes, really.) Instead, let’s go with The Arnie Obvious: movie moments featuring characters with bum legs.
1. The two basic items necessary to sustain life, are sunshine and coconut milk.
My encyclopedic head for movie quotes comes out in the most unexpected of ways. Here’s a true story: one summer afternoon in Manhattan I was walking along Broadway with a friend. As we crossed an intersection, a car ran through the red light, nearly hitting us. My response was instantaneous. “I’m walkin’ here! I’m walkin’ here!”
Yes, my reflexes went straight to Dustin Hoffman’s accidentally improvised moment Midnight Cowboy:
I couldn’t have planned it any better. Given that my friend’s mind is sharper than mine when it comes to dropping movie lines into everyday conversation, he was duly impressed. There’s more to the visual: he’s six foot something and I’m five foot nothing. When we’re walking together, we bear a passing resemblance to Joe Buck (Jon Voight) and Ratso, at least when it comes to size.
In the wake of my pinched nerve. I don’t walk. I lope. I hobble. I bob up and down. I drag that damn limb behind me. When people ask, “how are you?” a myriad of movies featuring leg-impaired characters hop through my brain. But generally speaking, I respond “I feel like Ratso Rizzo.” Midnight Cowboy holds a special place in my own personal Top Ten Favorite Films, so Ratso is an easy go-to, just as it was on that summer walk down Broadway.
Excuse me. Not Ratso. In my own Substack, my name ain't Ratso. I mean, it just so happens that in my own Substack my name is Enrico Salvatore Rizzo.
2. I'ma get medieval on your ass.
Next up, another favorite: Pulp Fiction. I know you’ve seen it. I mean, you better have seen it. If not, I can perform the entire movie for you from memory.
It’s the scene where Marsellus Wallace (Ving Rhames) faces off Butch Coolidge (Bruce Willis). Coolidge is on the run after taking money from Wallace to throw a boxing match. Earlier in the film, the mob boss tells his club fighter: “In the fifth, your ass goes down.” Coolidge has other ideas. Rather than take the dive, he kills his opponent in the ring. Literally kills his opponent. Between the bribe money Wallace gives to fix the fight, plus the bets Coolidge collects for the unexpected victory, he is now—as Coolidge tells his brother in a phone conversation—“the rich and prosperous Mr. Butch.”
Not so fast. Through a series of turns conjured up by director Quentin Tarantino (and you know who he is), Wallace and Coolidge confront each other in a combination hit-and-run car crash and subsequent hobbling back alley chase. Coolidge dodges bullets fired by the vengeful Wallace as the two men drag their respective legs behind them. Both move sort of like Ratso, only sexier.
Given how messed up and blood-soaked Coolidge and Wallace are, there’s no way either could maintain this chase in real life. Their legs would have at best lasted only a few short feet before each man would collapse in howling pain. (NOTE: pun in previous sentence is unintentional.)
But this is not real life. It’s reel life. Anything can happen. And it does, just a few scenes later, in the basement of a pawnshop. The first time I saw Pulp Fiction, I thought “they could bring an elephant into this basement and I would totally buy it.”
Consequently, when my pain turns just a few notches shy of excruciating, I channel Butch Coolidge and Marsellus Wallace. I drag that leg sexier. I also recite scripture. Ezekiel 25:17, to be exact. It helps.
3. Sir! I have a plan!
Here’s one last movie of bum leg inspiration, again culled from my personal canon of Great Cinema. It’s an inspirational film, the story of a visionary who looks at the future, calls up the past, and lays out a plan for mine shaft coital arrangements in a post-nuclear world, all of which miraculously turns the man’s useless legs whole. I speak, of course, on the concluding moments in Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.
Until we meet again….
Story Links:
Dustin Hoffman explains the quick thinking that resulted in one of movie history’s greatest ad libs, from Huffington Post.
You can recreate the beginning of the chase between Marcellus Wallace and Butch Coolidge at the intersection where the scene was filmed, 3100 Atwater Avenue, Los Angeles CA.
Read the novel Red Alert by Peter Bryant (AKA Peter George), the sobering basis for one of filmdom’s greatest black comedies, on The Internet Archive.
Causes and therapies when you have problems with your sciatica nerve.
Thanks for reading The Typewriter's Collage. Connect with me at Twitter/X, Bluesky, Threads, and Instagram at the handle @RealArnieB. I’m on LinkedIn and Facebook under my real name. While you’re at it, drag your browser over to my website, www.arniebernstein.com.
Got a good movie quote? Ever live with ongoing pain management? Just got something to say? You know what to do.
And since you’ve made it this far, here’s your bonus content: The original Rockettes, as featured in the 1930 film King of Jazz, starring Paul Whiteman. This is one movie not to be missed. Wild dance sequences with bodies flinging through the air; comedy bits that hinge on bizarro humor; a cartoon by Walter Lantz (of Woody Woodpecker fame); a young Bing Crosby making his movie debut; and filmed in a two-strip Technicolor that gives the whole thing a sort of cotton candy surrealistic dream sheen. An over-the-top crazy patchwork film collage that lives in its own universe, King of Jazz must be seen to be believed.
Oh geez!!! Ouch! I am NOT a movie buff sat all but loved your article! I hope you get that damn sciatica straightened out soon. Blessings!!!
I really enjoyed this article. I have an infected root canal and I have been wondering what to write about it.